Card of the day: Two of Swords reversed
Currently listening to: Death, “Politicians In My Eyes”, and also Stevie Wonder, “Do I Do”
Well, you don’t need a first-world whining from me. But my bus route took two hours to get me from the gym to my front door this morning, due to the snow and the folks who cannot remember how to drive when even a flake falls. I know that we got a historic storm this week, but the plows did their work and the streets and sidewalks all got their sodium intake to ensure driver and pedestrian safety. Then again, sub-zero temperatures make people do strange things. The proper synapses freeze inside the skull. No one can think straight when they need to reserve their body heat.
But I have the ability to multitask, so therefore I have found clarity. And that mindset has led me to understand why I feel a lack of fulfillment. My entire reason for existence depends on two matters: 1) A thirst for researching and sharing knowledge, and 2) caring for people, especially with food. We had two snow days this past week, and I felt happiest when I was reading my book and making my wife a goddamn steak. (It was a goddamn steak. I mean I went out and got a good cut of meat, seasoned it right, cooked it to a perfect medium-rare, sliced it up, and served it next to some potatoes. One of the top three steaks I’ve cooked up in the last few years, for sure.)
With everything going on in the world, and with the current outlook for the future, who can worry about Excel spreadsheets or PowerPoint decks or proper hexadecimal codes for icon colors? I feel that putting so much of my mental energy into an “email job” – as the kids call it – takes me away from life’s real purpose. Of course, we all have to do jobs to survive, but I see how much less my wife makes as a teacher and wonder if we should swap salaries. Hell, we should swap salaries and then she should get paid triple, or even more. Then I would rather do her job, because I would get to interact with people across all generations and livelihoods and teach them and learn from them.
Yeah, I enjoy what I do for the nine-to-five. I like working from home, I enjoy getting to use my knowledge and act as a specialist in my field. But at the same time, I find myself wanting more and wanting different. I would love to make my entire day about really working with other people instead of just pumping out content with which they may or may not interact. I need to feel some kind of human warmth, or generate it if others need it, because right now I feel somewhat isolated and detached.
Is this the mid-life crisis everyone talks about? I haven’t yet felt the need to buy a sports car or take up golf. And thank God. Sports cars are useless when it comes to functionality, and golf is only good for pulling Tokyo Drift stunts in the carts and drinking on the green with friends. (Those are the only reasons I golf with anyone. If you ask me to actually play the sport, I’ll beat you senseless with a five-iron.)
I suppose when the weather warms up a bit and I can walk outside without feeling my toes freeze in real-time, I might think a little better of things. But I know what I love: Writing, cooking, chatting, learning, and loving. And I certainly know what I don’t love: The rise of fascism, the kidnapping of my neighbors, bigotry, and having to answer emails when the world seems like it’s crashing down around me.
I also don’t love only having one car. But again, that’s a first world whine. I can make do with that. Some folks have zero cars and they manage, and I respect them.
That’s all for now. I have to go address some business matters, and that means grilling some chicken for the rest of the week’s meals, cleaning the tub, and listening to some loud symphonic metal to drown out the screaming voices in my head. You know how it is. Be safe. Be well.