My father led the people in prayer
standing at the side of a stranger’s grave.
I stood in my suit, assisting,
the Aramaic stumbling from my tongue.
Yitgadal v’yitkadash –
Hallowed and exalted
be God’s great name
in the world God created
according to plan –
And I stopped, and I thought:
Well, you killed that guy, God.
You killed everyone in this graveyard.
Was that part of your plan
or when it came to their deaths,
did you kind of just guess?
My father the pious funeral director
led the people in prayer,
and when the family and friends had gone home
and the strange was snug under six feet of soil
I sat crying in my sweat-covered suit
And I asked my dad why
do we praise and extoll and exalt
the name of the Holy Blessed One
when they sit on their throne
and let all they created turn to crap?
What divine power prefers the deaths of their people
and expects us to pray?
My father who led the people in prayer
put his hand on my head
and ruffled my hair and said:
Someday, son,
You will say Kaddish for me
For your mother, your brother and sister,
the love of your life and your friends,
as you do for all who went before us.
You will look down up to us, not up to God.
You will remember how you loved us,
not how much you hate God.
For who has empowered and exalted you more,
and whom have you hallowed more:
The family you were born with
and the family you have built,
or an invisible deity
who won’t give you the time of day?
When we say Kaddish, we celebrate;
we see the life of our loved ones in full.
When we say Kaddish, we say God’s name
in place of the names of our loved ones.
When we say Kaddish,
we thank not the spirit of God,
but the spirits of our loved ones
for being part of ours.
My father led me in prayer,
and I thought not of God
or some half-hearted plan.
I thought of my grandparents
who had passed before I was born.
And I felt a breeze brush
against my cheek like their breath,
as if they were beside me.
I say Kaddish more often these days.
Someone will say Kaddish for me soon,
I suppose.
May all who make peace
in high places grant it upon us.
And let us say: Amen.
(August 17, 2024)