ATLANTA, GA. – The quaint Waffle House near Truist Park became a hotbed of heartache Saturday evening as Braves fans cried over more than spilled milk.
“It’s just painful, dog,” said Riley d’Arnaud, a dejected Braves fan. “I know we won the championship last year and we signed our core for the next decade, but it feels like we peaked. It’s over, man. Game over!”
The Braves lost the NLDS to the Philadelphia Phillies, winning only one game against the Phillies in a best-of-five series. After winning 101 games in the regular season, the Braves season ends, while the 87-game-winning Phillies will move on to the NLCS.
“Now I know how Mets fans feel,” mourned Veronica Spencer, who was polishing off a plate of pancakes while wearing her 1995 World Series memorabilia. “Do you know how much it sucks for me to say that?”
At Truist Park down the block from the Waffle House, Braves fans collected outside after the game to participate in a final chop and hold a moment of silence for the death of their season. However, the peace was cut short when a group of Phillies fans partook in a traditional brick-throwing. The carnage that ensued led to 69 deaths and 420 major injuries.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” remarked Orlando Harris, a Truist security guard, while wiping blood from his face. “Fans setting themselves on fire. People going after each other with swords and battle axes. I don’t even know where they got those, man. No way they could’ve brought those into the stadium without setting off the metal detectors.”
With the loss, the Braves must now wait until next year to make a push for a championship. But even though other sports teams in the city are well into their seasons, Atlanta sports fans have little faith.
“You really think the fucking Falcons are gonna actually do anything?” said d’Arnaud, stuffing himself at the Waffle House with a third serving of bacon. “Atlanta United? The Hawks? We’re done, man. This city’s gonna burn before we ever get another trophy.”
When asked about the Georgia Bulldogs, d’Arnaud rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but that’s college, man. That’s totally different.”
Atlanta Police posted up cars along the highest levels of the Spaghetti Junction, where reports of attempted suicides rolled in “by the dozens”, according to Atlanta Police chief Erika Shields. “APD offers a hotline to anyone whose mental health may have been affected by the Braves’ pitiful performance on the field,” Shields said in a statement. “We can understand how having to sit through inning after futile inning can alter one’s brain chemistry to the point of self-harm. We don’t know how they stay sane up in Queens.”
When asked for remarked on the Braves’ loss, Mets manager Buck Showalter stated: “Yeah, you gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. The Phillies? Gimme a goddamned break.”
President Joe Biden called Georgia Governor Brian Kemp to offer his condolences to the entire state of Georgia on the Braves’ loss. However, the governor was unavailable to take the president’s message, as he was kneeling on the Perimeter begging an 18-wheeler to “just end it already.”